Aspec and me

Aro/ace A-spec Story

the story of how I have found out

I always knew there was something wrong. There is something different about how I relate to others.
When I was 6 y.o. or something, I found old erotic magazines hidden inside my bed, and I enjoyed going through all of them when home alone.
I had a book for children about the anatomy of conception, I loved looking at the illustrations. They are so neat. Beautiful. It was very intriguing to me - how things fit so well.
I especially admired female body. Still do, it's gorgeous. I grew up with a lot of curiosity about sex, heated by the promise of pleasure from media.
And when I finally fell in love in the Uni and got to try it, it was.. well, disappointing. And it didn't get better with time. Other attempts later in life gave more or less the same result.
I wasn't into it. Media lied.
After break-ups I felt genuine relief when my ex-partners (sorry for the weird label) found someone else to love.
For the reference my lovers are the most genuinely playful sweet people I know. Players were great, it was the game I didn't like.
At some point I figured it out and my life improved dramatically. It isn't common, and the overall social environment seems to be ignorant about asexuality. And so was I, but I knew how to stay away from something I had no interest in.
I really enjoy company of my ex-partners, they are amazing. One of them is my best friend.
Every once in a while I hear the notion that it's very suspicious that we are friends. Or I see some stupid list stating that being "friends with his ex" is a red flag (why??? why won't you want to be friends with someone you obviously really like?). Or someone would proclaim that there would have been no wars if everyone would just do it more (I'm not even making this up!). Or the classics: "it's healthy to want it and it's unhealthy not to have it" - comes in different shapes, often starts with a question about your love life.
It doesn't matter that much, since my friends get it. Still it's hard not to notice that a lot of people operate differently, and I haven't yet met a person irl who can easily see my perspective.
Once we discussed the word "hot" when used to describe a person (only in Russian) with my friends. One of my friends was learning Russian language and didn't know that word. My definition was - beautiful and passionate.
I stand by it ^_^ but I was corrected - "it means sexy" - "yes. because sexy also means beautiful and passionate". isn't it?
I've been sex-free for years and it never bothered me. I still didn't KNOW.
It was several months after the "hot" explaination that I discovered Aspec terminology, because someone kindly mentioned it in an instagram conversation.
O-o-o-oh... That's what it is?!
Turns out it's NOT that everyone is stupid and assuming too much? (that might also be true) But. Sexual attraction is real for many people. idk how many, but probably MANY.
Yeah.. for me erotica is inspiring and beautiful, and is pleasently tingling. It is that, but there is so much more to it for most other people.
When it comes to intimacy with other real-life people (imagination is something else entirely), I deeply enjoy when it appears in platonic ways.
Sometimes it's in the quiet moments
when you realize you are seeing someone
for who they truly are
and it feels special
Sometimes it's
when you hear them sing
but from the heart
Sometimes it's in the dance
or in the game
or in the laughter
or in the whisper
I cherish those moments, they are very meaningful to me. Unlike sex. Oh well.